It has been a while since I have posted. To be frank, I haven’t had any motivation to do anything…Especially writing. I think about writing a lot, but I know I’ll just stare at the blank page looking at that annoying curser just blinking. It just taunts me that time is not stopping, reminding me that I don’t have the words, discouraging me that I shouldn’t attempt the feat of just writing. Counting the words like counting the seconds the moment I clock into work.
2018 was supposed to be a year of positive changes and vibes, it turned out to be a nightmare and we still have half of November and December to go. I just hope and pray the remaining month and a half of this year flies, because I am over it. I was over it in January.
In January, I lost my grandfather, my Tata. It amazes me, he lived a healthy long life that lasted for 89 years. Lived a full life, a life filled with admiration, dignity, and respect. Always watched what he ate, lived an active life; he only stopped taking his daily walks only a few months before he passed. Like many men his age, he was a stubborn man who didn’t let much stop him; I was always in awe of his work ethic – even in retirement, when he kept himself busy. So, imagine my anger when he was diagnosed with late stage Pancreatic Cancer, which took him from us exactly one week later after his diagnosis. I miss his wisdom and his stories that he was always willing and proudly willing to share. I especially miss our dinners at Denny’s, they may not have the best food, but his company is what I craved, and I will always be grateful with that time with him.
As the year progressed, we lost a four other family members. Watching my grandfather taking his last breath on that winter afternoon was heartbreaking; then summer arrived and July will never be the same. You often hear people describe a young adult as, “he/she is a good kid”, you hear those words so many times that it just comes across as vague. Not that those words is meaningless or empty, it’s just ambiguous; and very few people have the audacity to ask, “how is he/she a good kid”? We just politely respond with, “oh, yeah. That’s good”. My 16 year old cousin was not just a good kid, he was a great kid, and he deserves for people to know why he was a great. He was fiercely yet sweetly devoted to his family, especially his mom; their connection was remarkable. He was a hard worker, who enjoyed working with his dad. But the reason he was a great kid, was because he had a generous and good heart: One day him and his family where going to get pizza, now he had been looking forward to outing all day and was ready to get his grub on with his family, along with having a bit of fun of playing games. They lived close to my grandfather and passed his house on the way and they saw my grandfather working on his yard. Without hesitation, he told his mom to let him out of the car, so he can help Tata. His mom asked him if he was sure. Again without hesitation, he told his mom, yes, I want to help Tata, you can bring me back some pizza. Like I said, he was a great kid. Imagine the heartbreak when he was tragically taken away from us from an accident and watching a mother grieving for a child; it wasn’t just heartbreaking, it was shattering.
These deaths have taken a toll on my family and I. I would like to say that these loses have made me appreciate life more and has change my perspective, but in all honesty, it has made everything so uncertain. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a conversationalist, so counseling is not easy for me, I hate feeling exposed.
I’m just taking it one day at a time for the remaining days of 2018.